Dear MOM,

My 18 yr. old daughter is a heroin addict that just got arrested for possession and is in jail. She is not a criminal but has a illness.  Why is she being punished when she should be receiving help?

Distraught

Dearest Distraught,

My heart goes out to you for I know how difficult it is to see our afflicted loves ones behind bars. Jail though can be the first step in turning her around – this intervention has created a crisis in her life, raising her bottom. It might have saved her life. Currently she is safe and restrained from doing heroin, possibly forcing her to “sit”, reflect and face her addiction.  Better her in there than out on the streets or in the comfort of your home “using”.  This can also give you the time to come up with a plan by setting clear boundaries for when she gets out.  Now you have some leverage to encourage her to receive treatment or get into Drug Court, if your county has one.  Addiction is a chronic, progressive, relapsing, incurable and potentially fatal disease…unless the cycle is halted.  Yes your daughter has a disease and she deserves help to overcome it, but the addiction has driven her to do criminal acts and she has to deal with the consequences of her actions.  And as hard as this circumstance is, may you sleep better tonight knowing that your precious daughter is not putting herself in grave danger by doing drugs. Take care of yourself now by finding a Support System to come along side you.

- MOM

Dear MOM,

I have a terrible addiction to Crack Cocaine and my life is on the brink and out of control.  No one in my family knows and I am too ashamed to tell them, but I want help.  Where do I turn?

Scared & Ashamed

Dearest Scared & Ashamed,

Just by writing me you have identified the negative impact your crack cocaine problem is having on your life. This is a positive first step. Reach out to a trusted family member, health care provider, hotline or clergy person.  Take the risk today.  The relief you feel will give you the courage to take the next step. Drug addiction is an illness that requires treatment.  The short-term discomfort of telling family the truth about your crack cocaine use is far outweighed by the long-term benefits of getting help and getting better.

- MOM

Dear MOM,

I’m concerned my child is using drugs, what should I do?

 - Nervous Nellie

Dear Nellie:  If you suspect your child is using drugs or alcohol, do your homework.  Find out what is going on.  Better to falsely identify something that isn’t there than fail to recognize a problem. Trust your gut! You have to take action. Investigate. Deal with the situation head on by confronting the child.  But know the facts so you don’t get into arguments.  Treat it as a fact-driven situation, try to remain calm. If your fears are confirmed, seek professional help immediately.  Drug and alcohol addiction does not go away.  It will not cure itself. Reach out to others and find a support system. 

- MOM

Dear MOM,

My son is a drug addict and friends call me an enabler.  I hate that word and really am not sure what it means, can you explain enabling?

- Confused

Dear Confused:  As parents we can enable by looking the other way, by being in denial and pretending that there isn’t a problem or it isn’t as bad as it really is. Dad tends to detach and unplug and Mom might cover-up for the child, deceiving herself that the child is more productive than he truly is as he sleeps all day.  She will be in profound pain but will hide it. But parents must be willing to face the truth.  Anything short of that is enabling the problem to continue.  

- MOM

Enablers

Enablers act out of a sincere sense of love, loyalty and concern, step in to protect, cover up for, make excuses for and become more responsible for the chemically dependent person.  This prevents the dependent person from the crisis that might bring about change, and can prolong his/her illness.

Enabling Behaviors

Avoiding problems by trying to keep the peace.

Denying that the person is using drugs or alcohol.

Keeping your feelings inside.

Minimizing: “Kids are kids, they all smoke pot”.

Lecturing, blaming, or criticizing the chemically dependent person.

Taking over his/her responsibilities.

Protecting the chemically dependent person from pain.

Feeling superior, treating the dependent person like a child.

Trying to control the dependent person and maybe all those around you too.

Being a martyr:  “I have to do everything around here”.

Enduring: Living in agony but hoping it will go away in time

Waiting: “God will take care of this”.

Dear MOM,

My teen aged son just got out of Rehab for Alcohol Abuse.  His father and I are social drinkers and wonder if it is okay to drink in front of him?  We are after all very responsible and of age.

Enjoying Our Cocktails,

Dearest Enjoying Cocktails,

Perhaps you are only social drinkers and don’t have a problem like your son does.  Even so I strongly urge you and all members of the family living in or visiting the home where the troubled teen resides to agree to stop using alcohol.  This healthy modeling of parenting becomes a support to your recovering teen-ager, who can’t stop using or staying away from temptation alone.  Have you ever been on a diet and someone brings you a delicious looking pie?  Frankly that is just plain mean!  Give your child every tool he can possess to attain sobriety.  A home of abstinence will benefit all in the long run. 

- MOM

Dear MOM,

I can barely look at my kid after all she has done to destroy this family  Her drug use has taken a toll and I am so angry I am not sure I can forgive her? She is back from treatment and doing okay but I wonder when the shoe will drop? I almost hate her and am miserable for feeling this way. 

Bitter and Resentful,

Dearest Bitter & Resentful,

You, your child, and your whole family are in turmoil.  My heart goes out to you during this stressful time.  It is normal to have these feelings, but it takes real strength to express anger appropriately, especially when you feel like screaming.  Building such strength leads to forgiveness and the hope that family life will improve.  Your daughter has a disease.  She did not wake up one morning deciding to be an addict and cause chaos within her family.  As she enters into recovery she will require boundaries, guidelines, a contract, support and encouragement; not condemnation. Take a deep breath, head for some exercise, find a new hobby and keep your sense of humor.  Go gently, one day at a time.   

- MOM

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